Crimes Against Humanity: A Pussy Is A Pizza Skin Wrapped In A Pocket

LIKE ANY POST-HIP 40 YEAR OLD LONER LIVING (FINALLY) ALMOST COMPLETELY IGNORANT OF THE CONTEMPORARY MUSIC INDUSTRY AND ITS PHASES, FASHIONS, AND (VOLUME) KNOBS, I RECENTLY TOOK A LONG BATH AND READ THE LURID GREEN COVERED IAN F SVENONIUS PUBLICATION CENSORSHIP NOW. IT IS A LITTLE THING PUBLISHED BY NEW YORKS AKASHIC BOOKS AND PRINTED DISCOUNT-STYLEE IN OLD WORLD CHINA ON A CONVEYOR BELT RUBBING SPINES WITH FORMALDEHYDE LEVI JEANS AND GLOSSY PACKAGED INSTANT MILKSHAKE INGREDIENTS. IT’S ALL PARANOID CONSPIRACY PHILOSOPHICAL MEANDERINGS ABOUT THE PROBLEM OF MUSIC TODAY. I AM A SUCKER AND AGREE WITH EVERY WORD AND NOW BELIEVE SVENONIUS IS THE WISEST FAIRY-FLOSS HAIRED GENIUS OF ALL THE HUMAN RACE. GO AND BUY HIS BOOK AND LIVE BY HIS WORDS. HONEST.

ON ANOTHER, NOT COMPLETELY INCONGRUENT NOTE, IT IS NOW THAT TIME OF YEAR WE PRONOUNCE “FESTIVAL SEASON”. THIS TIME OF YEAR I USED TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO BECAUSE I WOULD EITHER BE PERFORMING AT THESE FESTIVALS OR TRYING TO BRIBE THEM TO INCLUDE WONDERFULLY TALENTED NOBODIES (MY FRIENDS) TO CORRUPT THEIR BLOATED OVER-EXCITED THREE DAY PARTIES.

TODAY I DECIDED TO GO TO THE FALLS FESTIVAL WEBSITE AND SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING DOWN THERE THIS SEASON, AND HERE IS MY SNEAK-PREVIEW, A RUNDOWN, MY SPOILER, OF THE TOP 14 HEADLINE ACTS OF THE FESTIVAL…

censorship-falls-crowd

CHILDISH GAMBINO

Macy Gray was unnecessarily shoved into a solarium, forgotten about, key thrown away.

LONDON GRAMMAR

Cher and the woman from that 90s Irish emoticon band have started a revolting thing together. Not sure why they called it London Grammar.

THE AVALANCHES

Same predicament as Rod Stewart.

VIOLENT SOHO

“A pussy is a pizza skin wrapped in a pocket” is the only line I can decipher from the brief moment I spent listening to this band. They have those expensive baseball caps which lose value if you bend the brim. Somebody gave me a mixtape in 1993. One side was Dinosaur Junior and the other side was Buffalo Tom. To my distorted earholes this sounds like an annoying blurring of both sides of the tape. J Mascis has become a fat kid with manboobs and bad breath and an ego bigger than he could ever imagine. Regurgitated Grunge music.

MATT CORBY

Christian music in pyjamas surreptitiously designed to emotionally corrupt the masses into submission and anti-revolt.

ALISON WONDERLAND

Heartbreak electro anti-human music. Also well disguised Christian proliferatory propoganda (ie: dancing nuns = submissiveness can be a ripper good time).

CATFISH AND THE BOTTLEMEN

If you weren’t paying attention, The Strokes have changed their name due to their original name being considered “ultimately too salacious for today’s tenuous world”.

FAT FREDDYS DRIP

Festival regulars teaching nothing but happiness to everybody.

TA-KU

The theme to this years Falls Festival is emotional electronic piano sounds with melted under-nourished people singing along.

YOU AM I

Tim Rogers is a nice guy. Everybody needs to feed their dog.

THE RUBENS

White/blonde modern church wet-rap music ala New Kids On The Block. Espousing good boring moral values.

THE JEZEBELS

When my stupid band played at this festival in 2011, this band stole our audience.

BALL PARK MUSIC

Amazing stuff. Even better than Coldplay AND Oasis together.

DOPE LEMON

Sound like an amputated and sexually abused version of The Growlers. Ya know, delay pedals everywhere.

dope-lemon

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. YOU JUST WASTED 9 MINUTES READING ABOUT 14 USELESS EAR ROTTING GROUPS OF ENTERTAINERS. AND I JUST WASTED 41 MINUTES OF MY LIFE GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE PHASES, FASHIONS, AND KNOBS OF THE CONTEMPORARY MUSIC WORLD AND ATTEMPTING TO FORMAT THIS LOST-IN-SPACE INTERNET CONTRIBUTION.  ENJOY THE FESTIVAL SEASON EVERYBODY AND REMEMBER THAT ART IS NOT JUST TOILET PAPER. DEMAND MORE FROM IT. STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS.

You can order Ian Svenonius’s book CENSORSHIP NOW from www.akashicbooks.com

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